First, I want to state that everyone is different. Our chemical compositions and genetic make-ups are widely diverse. A single food, medication, or other substance can have a wide variety of different effects for each individual. I have the most unfortunate problem with starting out with a low tolerance to just about any medication, but as my doctor phrased it “can become immune to the desired affect at the speed of light”. What works for me may not work for you, and vice versa.

Let me talk about …..alli.

I’m sure many of you snicker at the mere mention of this latest diet pill. I too have heard some pretty outrageous stories of the havoc that this little pill can cause on many of it’s victims…I mean users. I even vowed that I would never get desperate enough to try it for fear of the well-known side-effects. But guess what? I did! I made sure that on the first day that I did not leave my house waiting to see what the outcome would be, but nothing happened. In fact nothing happened for the first week. I began to wonder if I had got a bad batch. Surely I could not have NO “treatment effects” – as they called it. Then I noticed absolutely horrid flatulence during the second week. I am NOT being funny here. I am talking about run from the room, grab a O2 mask, awful flatulence! Still, that was it. Until the day after the second week. OH MY! The pain was horrible. Cramping from head to my toes. When everything finally did “break loose” I was so glad I was at home. There was also a lot of important information on the inside of the box that would be very useful to know before you even purchase it! It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle, but it was far from enjoyable and lets face it I’m not into pain – although I do seem to inflict it upon myself way too often.

I also started some small exercise routine with my son. We drive to the school near us and use the kindergarten parking lot for him to ride his bike and for me to walk. After about 30 min he is tired and hot and my feet have no flesh left on the bottom. Right now I still have major pain in the bottom of my feet. I grumble about how nothing ever seems to come easy for me.

I will continue to write about my experience in this new season I am entering into, and with this new plan that Pastor is helping me with. I am going to try to be more positive in my attitude, but bear with me because that is something completely foreign to me.

* I confess that as I type this that it is way past my bed time and I am digging into a container of spinach dip with a large spoon. I thought it would be a healthier alternative to my favorite dip because it has spinach in it after all….but nope! It has more calories and fat in it. Ugh!

Food, money, & love are three things that we all need and want, but are not always around when we want or need them! It is an all to familiar trap for me. I run out of money and the anxiety and depression start to build so I turn to food to make me happy. I am single so I can’t turn to a mate; therefore, I go to my seemingly only other passion. Of course when you do not have money your menu selections get seriously narrow because let’s face it, food is not free. Then I eat, but since it is not what I want I never get satisfied. On the other hand, if I do have the reward of getting what I want I still cannot stop because I wanted it so bad, it was hard to come by, and there is no guarantee I will get it again anytime soon. Thus, the vicious cycle  begins. It is sad that relationships with other people can hold so much power over you, but only those that are unhappily alone can truly understand this. Not too many people really want to be alone, and most of the time those people who rant about how they love having their “me time” are married or can have companionship anytime they want it. If they were always alone and could not reach out when they wanted or needed to then I bet they would sing another tune. Relationships do bring about another set of problems, but at least you have help with them instead of battling them alone. Sorry about the lonely hearts spill, but I find that I am much less likely to even think about food when I am focused on a significant other. Let’s be honest, it is harder to raid the fridge at midnight if there is the chance that someone might catch you. Not to mention you take better care of yourself when someone is around to appreciate your efforts. Back to the money thing, as I had stated in another post, the key coping skills I found were to replace the urges to comfort yourself with things other than food. They say to pamper yourself with a salon trip, shop for new clothes, makeover your room, blah blah blah. All of these things cost money and are not easily accessible at any hour. My mind can’t latch on to the fact that the only hope for me is to spend money, that I don’t have, on things other than food when I struggle to put food on the table as it is. Sure, I’d love to spend some time making myself feel good, but that is also fleeting. When the new hair color fades, the clothes wear out, or the shine is gone from all the new gadgets then what? Your money is gone, but your stomach is still there. It is bad enough to eat when you are not hungry, but then throw actual hunger in the mix and it can be a violent combination! I think food addiction is the absolute worse. At least with smoking, drinking, drugs, you are encouraged to avoid these vices completely. You can’t do that with food! If I could just remove all the food and not see it, smell it, or even hear those tempting commercials it might be a little easier. I have to eat, and even if I could muster up the strength to ignore my hunger, I still have to prepare food for my child. The whole point is to find a healthy balance of all three, but what if you can’t? I wait and I pray everyday for things to get better. I can’t make money grow on trees, and much to the dissatisfaction of my mother I am unable to just grab a random man off the streets to marry. That leaves me with the battle of controlling myself and my eating habits. I should be able to do this, but since I have not then it isn’t so easy as everyone says. If I hear one more time “when you want it bad enough” I will probably go nuts. I disagree with this completely. It seems to make sense, but the fact is I do want it, and have wanted it for a long time. I wonder if I pushed one of those skinny nay-sayers down, sat on them, and then told them, as they squirmed in agony with arms flailing about, “when you really want to get up you’ll be able to”. Muahahaha.